(Beware: Long Post Approaching! OooOOoo!)
Hello Lovely People,
Today, I started a challenge. One at which I have no idea
whether I shall pass or fail, whether it shall have a point or whether I’ll
learn anything from it. This challenge is: to not speak for a week. Logistics: No speaking. Texting, typing, writing, that’s a ok, but absolutely no speaking!
You might be asking yourself “Huh? That’s a weird thing to do, why that?”. Well
let me tell you, beautiful audience! It all started on a walk in the rain 2
hours ago…
This morning was strange. Actually, it’s just been a strange
week. I’ve been feeling melancholy, worthless and overall pretty stale since
Tuesday, for no apparent reason. But the worst moment was this morning.
I woke up on our foldaway couch bed. I had been feeling
bored and sad last night so, instead of sleeping in my bed like a normal
person, I pulled out the couch and made a blanket fort. There I proceeded to
watch crappy teen vampire shows and play sudoku’s in a melancholy state until I
felt the need to sleep. My dreams were fragmented and confusing, full of sad
images and depressing meanings. Therefor (despite the awesomeness of the fort)
I woke up in an even worse state than I fell asleep in. I laid in my couch fort
for a good 2 hours, listlessly browsing the internet and feeling generally
depressed while listening to the sound of rain falling outside. Part of me
thought I should get up, get ready for the day and go to class. The rest of me
was too apathetic to care.
Consequentially, I missed my class. I wasn’t too torn up
about it, it’s the least important class in this program (the teacher doesn’t
assign any homework or tests, he just sort of sits there for three hours
getting confused and rambling about TV. It can be quite fun, but it’s not
exactly a life lesson). However, that class had been the only reason for me to
leave my house today, meaning my one chance for excitement had just gone and
left. By my own choosing. I felt like crap.
At some point amongst the angst and the listlessness, I
realized I had run out of wool for my knitting project. I was kinda too
apathetic to actually do something about it, until I realised my room-mate’s
birthday is in 4 days and I really wanted to knit her something for it. So,
groaning and lifeless like a zombie, I managed to pull myself from my state of
bleah and go walk to the wool store.
Walking felt good, I had to admit. Even though it was wet
and gross out, it still felt good to just move. But I still wasn’t feeling
happy. My routine felt boring, I felt boring, life felt boring. I didn't know
what was so particularly upsetting about today, but something was super off,
more than normal.
And then it clicked: I had not talked to anyone all day.
Now, a normal person would probably think this and then
think “hey, I should probably talk to someone, that would make me feel better!”
And, on a normal day, that’s probably what I’d do. But for some reason, that
thought sent me to a flashback of my second year in university. I was attending
a one woman play, written and performed by a very talented 4th year,
about the time she spent a week in silence. The concept had seen a little
foreign at the time, but throughout the play, I got engrossed in the struggles,
triumphs and lessons that this experience brought her. It seemed like a very
worthwhile life experience, one I would love to try! At the end of the play, she
challenged people to try the experience themselves. I left the theatre think I
would definitely do that challenge as soon as possible!! It would be awesome,
horrible, fulfilling and rewarding!
Well, like most of my plans, I forgot about it. Life,
school, friends and family called my attention; I carried on my routine of the
time. Occasionally, throughout the years that have passed since then, I would
think about the challenge and how interesting it would be. I would daydream
about the experiences, encounters, awkwardness and fulfilment that I’d have.
But then, of course, I’d always think “no, not this week, I have a presentation.
No, not this week, I have rehearsals. No, not this week, I have ___, I have
___, I have ___”. And these excuses held me back from the real reason; I was
afraid. So the challenge would then be forgotten about and sink back into my subconscious.
My thought process today started along the same lines. Once
I had remembered that challenge, I started daydreaming about what it would be
like, the encounters, the discovery. But then the “No, I can’t’s” started
again, and I sunk back into my funk of “yeah, you’re right brain, I’d never
succeed at it, it’s not even that interesting a thing, it’s weird, I have other
stuff to do, it’s scary, it sucks, I suck…”
But then I thought: NO. Not this time brain. This time, I’m
doing it! This time, it’s not going to be a daydream, I’m going to see this out
to the end, and do this challenge. Because, over the years, there have been so
many things that I’ve wanted to do, but held myself back. So many times that I
could have made better choices and challenges for myself and others, and didn’t.
And it was always because of fear. Fear that it wouldn’t work, fear that people
would think I’m weird, fear that I’d fail, fear that someone else would fail,
fear I’d hurt or offend someone etc. etc. But I’m trying to change. Trying to
quell that fear and anxiety and learn about myself and the world, without
holding myself back. So what better to start with than a challenge that fear
has always held me back from completing.
I could have thought of any of the many challenges that I’ve
wanted to do. This post could have ended up about challenging myself to cliff
jump, or start a protest, or paint a painting. But I thought about this one.
And I’m seeing it through to the end, for better or for worse, whatever I learn or experience. Because, right
here and now, in this particular mindset, if I can do this, I can do anything.
So here goes!
