Week of Silence: The Beginning

(Beware: Long Post Approaching! OooOOoo!)

Hello Lovely People,

Today, I started a challenge. One at which I have no idea whether I shall pass or fail, whether it shall have a point or whether I’ll learn anything from it. This challenge is: to not speak for a week. Logistics:  No speaking. Texting, typing, writing, that’s a ok, but absolutely no speaking!

You might be asking yourself “Huh? That’s a weird thing to do, why that?”. Well let me tell you, beautiful audience! It all started on a walk in the rain 2 hours ago…

This morning was strange. Actually, it’s just been a strange week. I’ve been feeling melancholy, worthless and overall pretty stale since Tuesday, for no apparent reason. But the worst moment was this morning.

I woke up on our foldaway couch bed. I had been feeling bored and sad last night so, instead of sleeping in my bed like a normal person, I pulled out the couch and made a blanket fort. There I proceeded to watch crappy teen vampire shows and play sudoku’s in a melancholy state until I felt the need to sleep. My dreams were fragmented and confusing, full of sad images and depressing meanings. Therefor (despite the awesomeness of the fort) I woke up in an even worse state than I fell asleep in. I laid in my couch fort for a good 2 hours, listlessly browsing the internet and feeling generally depressed while listening to the sound of rain falling outside. Part of me thought I should get up, get ready for the day and go to class. The rest of me was too apathetic to care.

Consequentially, I missed my class. I wasn’t too torn up about it, it’s the least important class in this program (the teacher doesn’t assign any homework or tests, he just sort of sits there for three hours getting confused and rambling about TV. It can be quite fun, but it’s not exactly a life lesson). However, that class had been the only reason for me to leave my house today, meaning my one chance for excitement had just gone and left. By my own choosing. I felt like crap.

At some point amongst the angst and the listlessness, I realized I had run out of wool for my knitting project. I was kinda too apathetic to actually do something about it, until I realised my room-mate’s birthday is in 4 days and I really wanted to knit her something for it. So, groaning and lifeless like a zombie, I managed to pull myself from my state of bleah and go walk to the wool store.

Walking felt good, I had to admit. Even though it was wet and gross out, it still felt good to just move. But I still wasn’t feeling happy. My routine felt boring, I felt boring, life felt boring. I didn't know what was so particularly upsetting about today, but something was super off, more than normal.

And then it clicked: I had not talked to anyone all day.

Now, a normal person would probably think this and then think “hey, I should probably talk to someone, that would make me feel better!” And, on a normal day, that’s probably what I’d do. But for some reason, that thought sent me to a flashback of my second year in university. I was attending a one woman play, written and performed by a very talented 4^th year, about the time she spent a week in silence. The concept had seen a little foreign at the time, but throughout the play, I got engrossed in the struggles, triumphs and lessons that this experience brought her. It seemed like a very worthwhile life experience, one I would love to try! At the end of the play, she challenged people to try the experience themselves. I left the theatre think I would definitely do that challenge as soon as possible!! It would be awesome, horrible, fulfilling and rewarding!

Well, like most of my plans, I forgot about it. Life, school, friends and family called my attention; I carried on my routine of the time. Occasionally, throughout the years that have passed since then, I would think about the challenge and how interesting it would be. I would daydream about the experiences, encounters, awkwardness and fulfilment that I’d have. But then, of course, I’d always think “no, not this week, I have a presentation. No, not this week, I have rehearsals. No, not this week, I have ___, I have ___, I have ___”. And these excuses held me back from the real reason; I was afraid. So the challenge would then be forgotten about and sink back into my subconscious.

My thought process today started along the same lines. Once I had remembered that challenge, I started daydreaming about what it would be like, the encounters, the discovery. But then the “No, I can’t’s” started again, and I sunk back into my funk of “yeah, you’re right brain, I’d never succeed at it, it’s not even that interesting a thing, it’s weird, I have other stuff to do, it’s scary, it sucks, I suck…”

But then I thought: NO. Not this time brain. This time, I’m doing it! This time, it’s not going to be a daydream, I’m going to see this out to the end, and do this challenge. Because, over the years, there have been so many things that I’ve wanted to do, but held myself back. So many times that I could have made better choices and challenges for myself and others, and didn’t. And it was always because of fear. Fear that it wouldn’t work, fear that people would think I’m weird, fear that I’d fail, fear that someone else would fail, fear I’d hurt or offend someone etc. etc. But I’m trying to change. Trying to quell that fear and anxiety and learn about myself and the world, without holding myself back. So what better to start with than a challenge that fear has always held me back from completing.

I could have thought of any of the many challenges that I’ve wanted to do. This post could have ended up about challenging myself to cliff jump, or start a protest, or paint a painting. But I thought about this one. And I’m seeing it through to the end, for better or for worse, whatever I learn or experience. Because, right here and now, in this particular mindset, if I can do this, I can do anything.

So here goes!